If you are experiencing an emergency, please call 911 immediately.

If you would like to speak with someone about your or your loved one’s situation, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Identifying Intimate Partner Violence
Intimate partner violence is between two people in a close relationship, which includes current and former spouses, partners, or girlfriends.  Intimate partner violence encompasses four types of behavior:

• Physical violence - harming or attempting to harm a partner through physical force
• Sexual violence - forcing a partner to take part in a sexual activity to which they did not consent
• Threats of physical or sexual violence - using words, gestures, and other means to communicate harm
• Emotional abuse - threatening a partner or their loved ones and/or possessions; this includes harming a partner’s sense of self-worth, withholding or threatening to withhold money, resources, or children, and, specifically in the LGBTQ community, “outing” someone against their will

If You Are Being Abused
If you are experiencing intimate partner violence, know that you are not at fault.  The person who is abusing you is the only one responsible.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline has an overview of safety planning, which is important whether or not you are planning to leave or have left your abuser; you can read it here.  If you use a computer your abuser has access to, you may want to access this information from another computer, such as at a public library (see more info on internet safety).

If A Loved One Is Being Abused
If someone you care about is being abused, here are several things to consider in responding to their situation:

• Safety:  Is the person safe?  If they are living with their abuser, do they have a way to get out and somewhere to go in case of emergency?  Know that the person being abused may not be ready to leave their abuser; you can help them plan a way out in case they need it (refer to this safety planning guide).
• Options over advice: People who are abused have had all control taken away from them, so if you are supporting someone who is being abused, let them be in control, and focus on giving options, not advice.  For example, your friend may not want to leave their abuser or report them to the police, but you can give them resources to connect them to medical care, counseling, and support for understanding their legal options.  Educate yourself and be prepared to provide them with information and resources,  but then support them in making their own decisions—do not try to force them to do anything.
• No judgment: If someone tells you they have been abused, believe them, and assure them that you do.  Do not express judgment of their decisions, relationships, etc., and do not blame them for what they are experiencing.  Even if you only suspect violence, but your friend has not confided on you, one of the most supportive things you can do is listening and being non-judgmental.
• Self-care: It may seem like a secondary concern, but also be sure to take care of yourself.  Supporting someone who is experiencing intimate partner violence can be very difficult, and it is important that you do not forget about your own emotional health.  The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network offers self-care information for friends and family of people experiencing sexual violence and abuse.

Barriers to Care
Intimate partner violence can be difficult for LGBT communities to publicly address because there is still a struggle to legitimate LGBT relationships in general.  Intimate partner violence has been traditionally linked with heterosexual relationships, in which it is often assumed that men are the aggressors, and women are victims.  Same-sex intimate partner violence remains invisible within this model, in terms of research as well as stigma within an already stigmatized community.
While there are many parallels that can be drawn between intimate partner violence in LGBT communities and in heterosexual communities, the same cannot be said for services and support. Because of a lack of knowledge and cultural competency training, many LGBT intimate partner violence survivors can experience heterosexism and/or cissexism as well as other systematic barriers when seeking help from law enforcement, officers of the court, domestic violence shelters, and even hospital and other healthcare workers.
Intimate partner violence is vastly understudied in general, but is especially understudied within the LGBT community.  Many people believe that same-sex violence is not an issue; in reality, abuse is about power and control, and does not depend on the gender identity or sexual orientation of those involved. People of every gender can experience and perpetrate intimate partner violence.

References

Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center.  “Facts About Domestic Violence.”  Accessed August 7, 2024 from http://laglc.convio.net/site/PageServer?pagename=YH_MH_FACTS_ABOUT_FAMILY_VIOLENCE

National Domestic Violence Hotline.  “Internet Safety.”  Accessed August 7, 2024 from http://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/internet-safety

National Domestic Violence Hotline.  “Safety Planning.”  Accessed on August 7, 2024 from http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network.  “Self-Care for Friends and Family Members.”  Accessed on August 7, 2024 from http://www.rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-recovery/tips-for-friends-and-family

Show Me Love DC.  “How to Help a Friend.”  Accessed on August 7, 2024 from http://showmelovedc.org/lang/en-us/show-me-healthy-love/how-to-help-a-friend